Dear Kimberley Walsh, One Direction, Flo Rida and the rest of you grasping for ideas,
Thank you all for the feeling of despair you have inspired in me. I'm so glad you felt the need to change music as we know it. Believe me, I'm trying here... I said change instead of ruin. I was sitting minding my own business, just watching TV and the next thing I know I'm bombarded by sad. Those poor songs, loved by millions, will never be the same.
Just one tiny thing though; may I perhaps suggest that what made the original so special in the first place was that you weren't part of it? Just a thought.
I like my 80's power ballads cheesy, not helium-voiced; my Blondie sung exclusively by Debbie Harry; and my Wicked left bloody well alone. WELL alone.
Thanks but no thanks,
P.s. I know you One Direction guys are doing this for charity, and also my little cousin loves you, so I can't not like you to the full extent I had originally planned. No need to thank me. No really.