Saturday, 24 November 2012

Life Lessons?

Over the years my family have given me some pretty weird advice and coaching. I'm sure many of you have received the same advice from your own parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles... anyone who is feeling particularly full of wisdom when you happen to be nearby.

But I've been thinking a bit about the weird things we tell people, particularly children. As I remember all these interesting little tidbits of "knowledge" my family have given me I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous they are. So I have decided to pass on some of my wisdom to all of you lucky sods. I think you will come out the other side having learnt... something.

"Eat your crusts or you won't get curly hair." My Nana used to tell me this almost every day. I used to tell her almost every day that I didn't actually want curly hair. Turns out that if you gobble them down anyway because of the look you just got your hair will remain to be poker straight. Weird.

"Eat those carrots and you'll be able to see in the dark." Another Nana classic. The sad thing with this one is that my reaction was more along the lines of "Holy mother of vegetables! Super powers at last!" and I ate every single one. And then I did get a super power. The power of being super disappointed.

"You have to wear matching underwear in case you get run over." A gem from Mum. Apparently if I ever get taken into hospital with limbs hanging off, blood spurting out all over the place and half my face left on the pavement I will be all shades of mortified if I'm wearing pink knickers and a blue bra. It gets better. Once, while discussing this with my mother she told me she would be embarrassed to identify me if my underwear wasn't matching. I quote: "No, she can't be mine. MY daughter wouldn't do that." I can only hope she was joking.

"Never wear somebody else's pants. That is just minging." Mum's advice seems to be underwear related. This was made in reference to finding used underwear for sale in a charity shop, but was then extended to be a general rule. And you know what? I actually agree with this one. You don't know where that has been. Or more to the point you do know, and thats worse.

"Ach, don't take your car to Kwik Fit. They'll look at you and think you're, you know, silly. Take it to Sandy. He's no daft." I'm sure this sounded better in my Popa's head. I do take my car to Sandy, as he is indeed 'no daft'. I do also think that Kwik Fit will think I'm a silly girly type and charge me for all kinds of gubbins. All in all sound advice, but its all in the delivery, isn't it?

Tuesday, 20 November 2012


From where I sit on the couch I have a pretty good view of all the books on our shelves. I can't help but notice how strange a mix of topics and titles it is. For instance, we have a whole shelf devoted to childrens books which sits beside the design book shelf, the cook book shelf and the poetry shelf. And then there's the novels.

So I've decided to give you all a little taster of the weird and wonderful books we own, with emphasis on the weird. I've chosen these either because the title is awesome or because it highlights the downright odd selection of interests Toben and I have. So here goes.

1. 'Snow White and the Seven Samurai' by Tom Holt. Hilarious writer, I read everything he writes.

2. 'Woody Allen's Complete Prose'. Which snuggles in right next to...

3. 'The Novels of Jane Austen'. One of my all time best charity shop finds. £1 for all the novels of Jane Austen... shut up and take my money!

4. 'Does Anyone Like Midges?', 'Why Don't Penguins Feet Freeze?', 'Why Can't Elephants Jump?' and Why Do Men Have Nipples?'. I love all of these question and answer books. I learn a surprising amount from them. Mostly that even scientists get things quite wrong, but thats something at least surely...

5. 'In Praise of Slow' by Carl Honore. Awesome book about a sort of revolution against modern culture's love of fast living.

6. 'Stop Stealing Sheep and Find Out How Type Works'

7. 'The Tales of Beedle the Bard' by J. K. Rowling. I'm sure everyone is shocked and surprised that a Harry Potter related book made it on to one of my book lists. I think we'd all be surprised if there wasn't one here, let's be honest now.

8. 'Scaredy Squirrel' by Melanie Watt. This one is for you Lauren. Whenever I read this, it is always in your voice. Then I look at the view.

9. 'The Poetry of Birds'. A book of collected poems about, you guessed it, birds. Seriously though, I adore this book.

10. 'Shades of Grey' by Jasper Fforde. Not that Shades of Grey. This is another one, you know, one that is actually worth reading. Jasper Fforde is another I will read everything he produces from his magical cave of sparkly, nerdy hilarity. The sky is a different colour where he lives, and I would like to live there.

Friday, 2 November 2012

Och aye the noo testament.

Recently I made an excellent find at the charity shop in Craignure (as I usually do!) and I've just started to look at it tonight...

This is what I bought:

Yes, the sticker says £1. Epic.

Tonight I sat and looked up some favourite verses in it and some of the well known ones too, and I wanted to share them because they are, quite frankly, fabulous. I recommend that when you read these you read them out loud. The brain seems to make them make more sense when trying desperately to pronounce it!

 Na, whan ye pray, gang intil your benmaist chaumer an tak the door wi ye, an syne pray til your Faither, at bides whaur nane can see him; an your Faither, at sees aathing at is dune in hidlins, will gie ye your reward.
Matthew 6 v 6

Whaur your treisur is huirdit, een thair will your hairt be an aa.
Matthew 6 v 21
In the beginnin o aa things the Wurd wis there ense, an the Wurd bade wi God, an the Wurd wis God. He wis wi God i the beginnin, an aa things cam tae be throu him, an wiout him no ae thing cam tae be. Aathing at hes come tae be, he wis the life in it, an that life wis the licht o man; an ey the licht shines i the mirk, an the mirk downa slocken it nane.
John 1 v 1-5
Luve is patientfu; luve is couthie an kind; luve is nane jailous; nane sprosie; nane bowdent wi pride; nane mislaired; nane hamedrauchit; nane toustie. Luve keeps nae nickstick o the wrangs it drees; finnds nae pleisur i the ill wark o ithers; is ey liftit up whan truith dings lies; kens ey tae keep a caum souch; is ey sweired tae misdout; ey howps the best; ey bides the warst.
1 Corinthians 13 v 4-7

Than I hard a loud voice cryin frae the Throne: "Nou is God's bidin wi men, an he will bide wi them, an they will be his peiple. God himsel will won wi them, an will dicht ilka tear frae their een; there will be nae mair deith, nor dule, nor cries o wae, nor pyne, for the auld warld is by wi."
Revelation 21 v 4